FitzSimmons: Master Chefs
by FritoFS09
Summary: The official transcript of the hit cooking show, "Cooking with FitzSimmons," where nothing seems to go right. CrackFic
1. Chapter 1

**Announcer: **Ladies and Gentlemen...It's time for another episode of... Cooking with FitzSimmons! Today they are going to show you how to make a traditional egg and toast breakfast. And now, your host- FIIIIIITZSIMMMONS! *Random Applause*

**Fitz: **Hello everybody, and welcome to another episode of...

**Simmons: **Cooking with FitzSimmons!

**Fitz: **This episode will be all about making an egg and toast breakfast.

**Simmons:** We will show you step by step how to construct an unforgetable breakfast.

**Fitz: **First let's get the eggs started.

**Simmons: **When cracking the eggs it's best to get it all in the bowl. For everyone on the bus, 32 eggs should be enough. (Agent May has a big appetite)

**Fitz: **Remember that bit.

**Simmons: **Well it seems like we got 20% of it in the bowl.

**Fitz: **That should be enough. We've learned over the years that the longer the milk is out of date, the better it tastes. Add 2 gallons.

**Simmons: **We both took 3/16 a Semester of Home Ec at the Academy.

**Fitz: **That sure was an exciting class. I slept through most of it.

**Simmons: **Anyway, after mixing the Milk and the Eggs put them in pan and stick it in the Microwave.

**Fitz: **I'll get started on the toast.

**Simmons: **The eggs go in the Microwave for 12 minutes on High.

**Fitz: **Take two pieces of bread, exactly 0.81 inches thick works best. Apply butter and put them in the mega toaster. Repeat process 88 times.

**Simmons: **The eggs are almost ready, Fitz.

**Fitz: **Right. Push the lever down, and wait.

**Simmons: **Alright, the eggs are coming out.

**Fitz: **Be safe.

**Simmons: **Thanks Fitz.

**Microwave: _BOOM!_**

**Simmons: **AAAAAAH!

**Fitz:** I'll be right there Jemma!

**Toaster:** DING!

**Fitz: **Right after I get all 178 pieces of Toast out.

**Simmons: **Help!

**Fitz: **Shit! The first piece won't come out! Maybe if I pull it out with a fork. Almost there...

**Toaster: **ZAP!

**Announcer: **Um, Everything OK guys?

**Simmons: **Just a 3rd degree burn! On my face! Happens all the time!

**Fitz: **Only a major volt of electricity tearing away at my insides! We were highly trained for this!

**Announcer: **Look at this! It's a celebrity appearance from...

**Agent Phil Coulson: **What the hell is going on?

**Announcer: **This is cooking with FitzSimmons!

**Coulson: **You're the smartest people on our plane! You created an antidote for the F.Z.Z.T. disease! You can't make toast! Charlie Brown can make toast!

**Simmons: **Help!

**Coulson: **Whatever. (Helps them up and takes them to the medical wing)

**Announcer:** Tune in next time, for when FitzSimmons shows you how to create the world's deadliest sandwhich!

**Fitz: ***Zap!* Remember folks, *Zap!* FitzSimmons are highly trained with *Zap!* this equipment. *Zap!* Don't sue us. *Zap!*


	2. FitzSimmons: Master Chefs Episode 2

**Announcer: **Ladies and Gentlemen...Welcome to another episode of...Cooking with FitzSimmons! Like I promised you last episode, FitzSimmons will show you how to construct the world's deadliest sandwich, or as they know it, a prosciutto and buffalo mozzarella sandwich, with a hint of Pesto Aoli. Now lets meet the hosts. Ladies and Gentlemen- FITZSIMMONS!

**Simmons: **Thank you so much everyone!

**Fitz: **It's not like we don't deserve it.

**Simmons: **Shut up Fitz.

**Audience: **Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw.

**Announcer: ***Ahem*

**FitzSimmons: **(Ending make out session) Sorry.

**Fitz: **So back to buisness, you want to take a piece of bread, and cut it longways.

**Simmons: **Without chopping your finger off.

**Fitz: **It has happened before. Anyway, after you carefully slice the bread, you should cut and add the proscuitto-

**Simmons: **Without cutting your finger off!

**Fitz: **Right. Then apply to the sandwich.

**Simmons: **The next step is the buffalo mozzarella.

**Fitz: **Carefully grate the cheese-

**Simmons: **Without grating your finger!

**Fitz: **I think they get the point.

**Simmons: **I can not stress this point enough!

**Fitz: **Alright... Anyways the next step for the sandwich is adding the Pesto Aoli. My favorite part.

**Simmons: **I think we all know that, Fitz.

**Fitz: **It's so creamy...

**Simmons: **Fitz! Snap out of it!

**Fitz: **Huh?

**Simmons: **You were lost in Pesto Aoli Mountain again.

**Fitz: **Right. So to make the Aoli you need-

**Agent Phil Coulson:** Oh my God!Is this a Cooking Show?!

**Announcer: **This is "Cooking with FitzSimmons!"

**Coulson: **You could be getting a lead on our extremely important case of Mass Murders, and you have a Cooking Show? What is this?

**Announcer: **This is "Cooking with FitzSimmons!"

**Agent Grant Ward: **That Announcer has to be a spy for Hydra!

(Everyone glares at Ward)

**Ward:** (Quietly)I'm going to leave now.

**Agent May: **Ooh, a Sandwich. (Eats Sandwich)

**Announcer: **Things are "heating up" in the Kitchen on the Bus! Tune in next time for a celebrity edition of Cooking with FitzSimmons, where Agent Skye joins us!

**Fitz: **We will be making Cookies!

**Simmons: **Coming up next on ABC, Marvels Agent's Of Shield, Season 2 marathon!

**Fitz: **Good thing too, I need to get caught up on it.

(Everybody looks at Fitz)

**Fitz: **What?


	3. FitzSimmons: Master Chefs Episode 3

**Announcer: **Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to another episode of-

**Audience: **COOKING WITH FITZSIMMONS!

**Announcer: **That's right everybody. Today is a very special episode, not only is FitzSimmons baking cookies- but they're doing it with Agent Skye! So without further ado- Your host... FITZSIMMONS! *Overwhelming Applause*

**Fitz: **Thank you, Thank you, Thank you very much.

**Simmons: **Yes, thank you so much!

**Fitz: **Can we get that applause again?

*Overwhelming Applause*

**Simmons: **Fitz! I think that's over doing it.

**Fitz: **I don't think so.

**Simmons: ***Nasty Glare*

**Fitz: **Yeah, maybe that was a bit much.

**Simmons: **Ladies and Gentlemen, save your applause! Our announcer could not resist so you already know...

**Fitz: **Agent Skye is joining us!

**Simmons: **Isn't it so exciting?

**Fitz: **Now, here she is... AGENT SKYE!

(Nothing happens)

**Fitz: **AGENT SKYE!

(Nothing happens)

**Simmons: ***Ahem* SKYE!

**Skye: **Yeah?

**Simmons: **You said you would come on our cooking show, remember?

**Fitz: **We're baking cookies!

**Skye: **I do like cookies.

**Fitz: **Let's give Skye a nice FitzSimmons Welcome!

**Audience: ***Overwhelming Applause*

**Skye: **How did they even get in here?

**FitzSimmons: **It was Ward.

**Skye: **Alright then...

**Fitz:** Ok, let's get cooking!

**Simmons: **To start the cookies-

**Skye: **Can't you just make robots to do this?

**Fitz: **Can robots have the number 1 cooking show in the world? Don't answer that.

**Simmons: ***Ahem!* Let's try to stay on task you two. To start the cookies you must open the tub of cookie dough.

**Fitz: **Right. After that, form them into the shape of a cookie. Continue process until you use all the cookie dough up.

**Skye: **Wait, your supposedly the number 1 cooking show in the world, and you use a tub of cookie dough to make cookies? That's pathetic.

**Audience: ***Booing*

**Skye: **Did Ward come in?

**FitzSimmons: **They're booing you.

**Skye: **Hey, I'm the good guy here.

**Fitz: **Excuse me, let's ease up on our geust, she's new.

**Simmons: **That's right. Now, Skye are you going to let us continue our gourmet cookies or not?

**Skye: **Of course, *Mmph!* Chef Simmons!

**Simmons: **Good. Now, after that you should use as much of the highest explosive yuou can find, and strap it to the cookies.

**Fitz: **But someone has to ignite it. That's where you come in Skye.

**Skye: **You two are insane! I'm outta here!

**Simmons: **All you have done is complained. Now Fitz gets to do the honor of baking the cookies.

**Fitz: **But, but...

**Simmons: **Will you do it for a scooby snack?

**Fitz: **Shut up, Simmons-I'll do it anyway.

**Simmons: **Oh, thank you Fitz.

**Fitz: **3, 2, 1, **FIRE IN THE HOLE!**

**Agent Phil Coulson: **Fitz! No explosions by the plane's gas chamber! Stop it Fitz! NOOO!

**Explosives: _BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!_**

**Announcer: **Folks, *Cough* this has *Cough* been another *Cough* episode of *Cough* Cooking with FitzSimmons. Tune in next time when we beg the producer not to discontinue the show. *Cough*

**Fitz: **Remember folks, *Cough* we are highly trained professionals. *Cough* If somehow your cooking goes wrong, *Cough* Please don't sue us.


	4. FitzSimmons: Master Chefs Episode 4

**Announcer: **Ladies and Gentlemen it's time for another episode of...

**Audience: **Cooking with FITZSIMMONS!

**Announcer: **That's right ladies and gentlemen, whether you're at home or in our audience, you'll never be disappointed again when Fitz acts brain-dead. Because on this show...They both act brain dead! (Audience Cheers) Ladies and Gentlemen...The moment you've all been waiting for...I give you your hosts

...FitzSimmons! (Audience roars)

**Fitz: **Hola a todos, mi nombre es Fitz, y esta episodio se trata-

**Simmons: **Fitz! Mexico was last week!

**Fitz: **Oh. Right.

**Simmons: **I think what he's trying to say is...Welcome to cooking with FitzSimmons!

**Fitz: **This episode is going to be about: making soup!

**Simmons: **This will be the best soup you have ever tasted, as long as you follow our steps.

**Fitz: **And as long as you have never had soup.

**Simmons:** Oh and if you are in the audience and like Sherlock and Star Trek check out my twin sister's (CallToMuster) new book "A Tale Of Two Doctor's, it is SWEET!

**Fitz: **What the hell are you talking about?

**Simmons: **Fitz, shut up, you know not to bother me while I'm breaking the fourth wall!

**Fitz: **Right...

**Simmons: **Anyways, soup. Some people hate it, some people love it. But it all doesn't matter if you know what to put in it.

**Fitz: **If only we did...

**Simmons: **Fitz! Get a hold of yourself!

**Fitz: **Where should I be grabbing?

**Simmons: ***Sigh*

**Fitz: **After you add canned chicken broth into a pot of your choice, the fun begins.

**Simmons: **We will start by adding some liquid nitrogen to the broth.

**Fitz: **This really improves the flavor.

**Simmons: **Plus, it really confuses the guest you serve, because it's always steaming!

**Fitz: **Next, use Chicken. Other meat work fine, but we prefer Chicken.

Simmons: McDonald's gives us a good deal on frozen Pink Goo-I mean chicken.

**Fitz: **A reminder that Cooking with FitzSimmons is sponsored by McDonald's. "I'm lovin' it"

**Simmons:** Now we need vegetables. Carefully (Without chopping your finger off) cut the vegetables.

**Fitz: **(Fake slices finger off) Oh my god!

**Simmons: **Fitz, NO!

**Fitz: **Ketchup. Another essential ingredient for soup.

**Simmons: **Holy crap Fitz, you scared me!

**Fitz: **Actually I might need a few stitches...

**Simmons: **You had your chance Fitzy Poo, so by now we have added Nitrogen, Chicken, Vegetables, and Ketchup. Anything else?

**Fitz: **Well, there is one thing...(Hands Simmons a box)

**Simmons: **Is this a box? (Opens box) Oh my god Fitz! It's a ring!

**Fitz: **Jemma, we've been together a while now, and I think we should start improving our relationship. Then I thought, "Screw it, we're going to get married." So Simmons, will you make me the happiest man on earth, and marry me?

**Simmons: **I-I-I don't know what to say...But I guess I'll have to say-

**Announcer: **Ladies and Gentlemen that's all the time we have for today. I hoped you enjoyed the episode and keep posted for the result! Thanks again!


	5. Chapter 5

**Announcer: **Ladies and Gentlemen...Welcome to another episode of...

**Audience: **COOKING WITH FITZSIMMONS!

**Announcer: **That's right folks. Now, last time we left off, we left you on a bit of a cliff hanger, didn't we?

**Audience: **Boooooooooooooo...

**Announcer: **But why did we?

**Audience: (In unison) **BECAUSE THE PLOT SAYS SO!

**Announcer: **That's right everybody, because the plot says so. But =, unfortunatly, the wedding already happened. But now, the moment you've all been waiting for...YOUR HOSTS...FITZSIMMONS!

**Audience: **WOOO!

**Fitz: **Thank you everybody**, thank you. **

**Simmons: **This is a very exciting episode of Cooking with FitzSimmons! We are making Cupcakes!

**Fitz:** Mix eggs, milk, sugar to make a batter.

**Simmons: **Like we mentioned in our 1st episode, when using milk, it's best when it's expired.

**Fitz: **Did we?

**Simmons: **That was before you lost your memory.

**Fitz: **Oh yeah.

**Simmons: **Fitz, you wouldn't have remembered that.

**Fitz: **Oh yeah.

**Simmons: **Heat the oven to 975 degrees.

**Fitz: **Or higher if possible.

**Simmons:** After you heat the oven, put the cake batter into the mini paper bowls. Fill up the batter all the way. The batter shouldn't rise.

**Fitz: **Now let's put these in the oven. It should take 3 hours to cook.

**Announcer: **Alright folks we're going to go on a quick break. We should be back in around three hours!

(3 hours later)

**Fitz: **Ok folks the cupcakes should be ready.

**Simmons: **OH MY GOD FITZ! THE STUDIO'S ON FIRE!

**Fire Alarm: **RING RING RING RING RING RING!

**Fitz: **No, I think Gandolf got stuck in the wrong story and took a smoking break.

**Simmons: **FITZ! YOUR HAIR! FIRE! YOUR HAIR'S ON FIRE!

**Fitz: **Oh my god. Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!

**Announcer:** Due to some technical dificulties we will take a small comercial break.

**Announcer: **Alright we're back.

**Simmons: **The cupcakes look the perfect shade of black!

**Fitz: **Ungh.

**Simmons: **That's right Fitz, this is the end of the episode. But before we leave we are giving every audience member...A free cupcake! The cupcakes are under your seat.

**Audience: **Yum! (Few seconds later) **BAAAAARF!**

**FitzSimmons: **(In shock)

**Announcer: **Ladies and Gentlemen this has been a-um, interesting episode. I hope you have enjoyed. **If you have an idea about another episode please leave a review. **Thanks for watching!


	6. FitzSimmons: Master Chefs Episode 6

**Announcer: **Ladies and Gentlemen...You know the routine! It's time for another episode of...

**Audience: **COOKING WITH FITZSIMMONS!

**Announcer: **That's right everybody. By request from Alexandria Richardson, FitzSimmons will be teaching you how to make pizza. Remember if have an idea for what FitzSimmons should make, leave a review. And now, your hosts... FITZSIMMONS!

**Fitz: **That's right, who's your daddy?

**Audience: **FITZ!

**Fitz: **Who?

**Audience: **FITZ!

**Simmons: **(Facepalm)

**Fitz: **Thank you, Thank you, like Mr. Announcer told us, we will be making pizza.

**Simmons: **Alexandria, listen up. We are ENGLISH! Not Italian!

**Fitz: **She had a rough day.

**Simmons: **I had a PERFECTLY FINE DAY!

**FFFitz:** I would say that we should get going, but we only have 123 words.

**Simmons: **Well, have the audience is snoring!

**Fitz: **Ok, we'll start with the crust.

**Simmons: **Yeast, Flour, Salt, Water, and Pickles.

**Fitz: **Right, pickles, the most important part. I swear, I always forget those.

**Simmons: ***Sigh*, you forget a lot these days.

**Fitz: **Thanks, Simmons. After the crust has risen, you want to put Olive Oil on top of it, and spread it around. We like to use 2.5 bottles for our pizza.

**Simmons: **Shout out to people from Greece reading this story!

**Fitz: **After the Olive Oil, spread tomato sauce like you did with the olive oil.

**Simmons: **Then carefully, without chopping your bloody finger of, grate mozzarella cheese on top of the tomato sauce.

**Fitz: **After this you're pretty much free to put anything on top of it you want.

**Simmons: **I like roasted seal bits, and Fitz like prosciutto.

**Announcer: **Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a miracle! Somebody call Ripley's! This is the 1st episode of Cooking with FitzSimmons where neither of them have gotten hurt!

**Fitz: **Bloody Hell! I stubbed my toe on the damn oven!

**Simmons: **Oh my god, I think it's broken!

**Announcer: **Well that lasted long. Remember if you have an idea for another episode, leave a review! Thanks for watching "Cooking with FitzSimmons!"


	7. FitzSimmons: Master Chefs Episode 7

**Announcer:** Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to another episode of

**Audience: **Cooking with FitzSimmons!

**Announcer: **Not this time folks.

**Audience: **(Scrambled confusion)

**Announcer: **This is "Cooking with FitzSimmons and Melinda May!

**Audience: **(Roar of Applause)

**Anouncer: **Now your hosts, FITZSIMMONS and MAY!

**Fitz: ...**

**Simmons: ...**

**May: **(look of disapproval)

**Fitz: **The announcer was Simmons' idea.

**Simmons: **Um, moving on. Today we have a special geust.

**Fitz: **AGENT MAY!

**May: **This is a part time job right?

**Simmons: **Of course not!

**May: **Correction: This is a part time job.

**Fitz: **Of course, honeybuns.

**Simmons: **(Slaps Fitz in the face)

**May: **(Slaps Fitz in the face)

**Fitz: **Hey, the producer said I needed to include a little surprise.

**Simmons: **(Slaps Fitz again) Yeah, me too.

**May: **Alright, can we just get this over with?

**Fitz: **You make it sound like you don't want to be here.

**May: **(Slaps Fitz again)

**Fitz: **Medic...

**Simmons: **In honor of May, we are making Japanese food!

**May: **I'm Chinese.

**Simmons: **Call it Chinese food if it will make you feel better.

**May: **Do you even care about my heritage?

**Fitz: **Of course we do. Hola!

**Simmons: **FITZ!

**Fitz: **I walked into Foreign language class at the academy and that's what I heard.

**May: **Ungh! I am so out of here.

**FitzSimmons: **May! NO!

**Simmons: **Well, now we're screwed.

**Fitz: **Like Simmons said, we don't have May. Which, ironically means that we can't make Chinese food.

**Simmons: **She was the one that would've made everything.

**Announcer: **Ladies and Gentlemen this has been another episode of Cooking with FitzSimmons! Leave a review on what you want FitzSimmons to make. Thanks for watching.


End file.
